beads

There’s a pounding in my ear

I feel it in my chest 

A relentless banging

Claiming - I’ll never forget 

With each beat it tries to steady

A constant forceful eddy 

Spiraling 

Here I go again 

In the silence all I hear 

Is the whooshing 

Nearer, near 

Never a moment without

Always, always 

In doubt 

A paradox I suffer from

Letting go of 

The things I hold on 

Desperately trying to understand

What they mean 

And who I am 

Pause 

I stop

The ticking clock

But the still image still moves

The gears in my mind 

Reverse, rewind 

Imaginary time 

Maybe it’s not a loss

If I collect them in my thoughts

Precious gems on a necklace 

Stringing beads in fantasy 

I’ll snap the chain 

While tightening it around my neck

Destined, doomed 

To do it all again