What have I become?

Quiet hangs in the air like a noose 

Taunting me: “Take a step,” it says 

I flail my arms to swat the thoughts away

Like flies attracted to decay 

A part of me dwindles, forgotten 

Fruit in my fridge from weeks ago

Grow green patches of inedible fuzz

What have I become? 

The delivery driver is my only friend 

But I never see them

Just let them drop bag after bag

Behind deadbolt, waiting 

Their departure means sustenance 

Absence that fills 

I gorge waiting for the balloon to pop

Snap me out of this 

Relief exists somewhere, not here 

Thirteen candles, unlucky year

Barricaded by walls built by fear 

Charade of safety, masquerade of fun

Ash falls from the sky 

A burning ball of fury, is the sun 

Ruminating again, I cry:

“What have I become?”

Became or becoming 

Changed or changing 

Are we ever the things we are?

Are we only the things we’ll be?

Are we only the things we’ve been? 

I feel like nothing

I feel like misery 

I feel like you don't see me 

I curl my hair with a flat iron

Split ends remind me of the damage 

Degeneration that the illusion

Of beauty will hide 

Hiding behind tear filled eyes

Will not let my mascara run 

I take a breath and sigh:

“What have I become?

These are the days on the calendar

Cycle repeats every year 

I am fine for a minute

I am fine, I promise 

But I lie through my teeth

With a smile, if I'm honest 

Pain and sadness are inevitable

Then what of the opposite, what of love? 

I was once someone who

Was loved by you

Defined myself as such 

But the hands slipped out of reach 

Starved for your touch 

I sit alone and twiddle my thumbs 

Pick at my cuticles until they bleed

What have I become?